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Oct
13
2012

QUASI-REVIEW: Bayonetta

Dear Journal,
My date with Bayonetta was, to say the least, strange. It turns out she’s a badass, overly sexual witch who’s quite confident in herself. She’s crazy and so is her game direction. All her action is over the top and the enemy designs are just as out there. There is a story going on here but hell if I know what’s happening. From what she’s told me, it has something to do with Bayonetta being a witch, forgetting her past, long legs, British accents, boobs, and ass. With her memory lost she becomes sort of a hit-woman for, what I can gasp, is the Devil. Don’t hold me to any of this if I’m wrong because I was having a hell of a time keeping up with the story at all.

What I was enjoying though was her combat. She was fluid and made combos so easy and fun. She was fast and every move she would perform was outrageous. I enjoyed her combat so much that I just ended up zoning out the story she was trying to tell just so she would get back to fighting. She would perform strong and weak attacks that could be chained together to perform insane combos. She had a rapid fire attack with her pistols that could be used to hit enemies from a distance or juggle them in the air.

When I mentioned how overly sexual she was earlier, I meant it. Bayonetta has the T&A that would make a 15 year old boy explode with, well, you know. Long legs, and round curves hit the point home that she is supposed to be seen in a certain light. Oh and boy is she not shy to show off her assets, she knows what she’s got; in her skin tight outfit she excretes the sexual innuendo. For god’s sake, she’s constantly sucking on a lollipop and you know exactly what I mean here. Even some of the combat moves she was pulling off was highlighting the goods.

Honestly I think it was way overdone but to a younger demographic this was probably the biggest selling point. It was the hook to get gamers into this Devil May Cry style third person action game. Once in though, the game is definitely fun, she just got a little stale after a while. Bayonetta was not a one night stand, she stayed for a few days. But after the excitement of something different washed away she started to overstay her welcome. So we said our goodbyes and she went back off into the world to go be with another. Journal, this was an experience. Yikes.

-Ed
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